Great beginning, great ending. But if somebody had never read your story or if they simply knew nothing about you, they would have no idea what you were talking about. For instance:
I suspect my ex
would know better what to do—
But we are alone, we three.
I, who
has scarcely unpacked more than a life’s worth
of souvenirs in this new, unfamiliar kitchen
and they—well, who can say?
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Canary word: Present
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
I have no idea what you are talking about.
Its an good poem but I still don't know what you wre trying tosay
Something about a kitchen or murdering someone?
Sorry but i don't know
Good poem anyway
Charlotte
Great poem. I think it was well written, but myabe try making the lines a bit more regular. Good title and good poem. It really gets across the picture.
Hmmm, I quite liked this. Great images, (e.g. 'pale pink face of hunger') a strong theme throughout from beginning to end. Nice ending too.
You know I love your work Incandescence. Seriously. I particularly liked the "S-ing" and "pale pink face of hunger" lines. Like astrangedbear said, it feels almost real. Wasnt too choppy to me either. Its great to read some of your stuff again
The ending was very powerful, but I have to admit, through most of the poem, I didn't understand what you were talking about. That's not to say it wasn't well written; it was, but perhpaps the symbolism could be better explained. Otherwise, a good poem.
i like this. i like how it feels almost real...
i feel what you feel expecialy when i read this.
excellent poem, keep up the good work
It's choppy. I'm not going to point them all out, but there are a lot of places where you break a line or even a stanza and it jolts the reader. It doesn't work for this poem. I end up thinking, "what was that about?" because my mind got jolted about so much... I forgot what I read before that. Some good mataphors though, I must admit. Creates a better image, though your imagery still isn't that great as somebody already mentioned.
A very good little story. Not particularly poetic in the imagery, but symbollic.
V.V. good. A strong ending